I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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