You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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