i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She bit a glass in half.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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