Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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