Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
