yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
