I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
