How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
