my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
