just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
