Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
