i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
