my mouth tastes like poor choices
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
