I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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