Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
