How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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