My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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