I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
