the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
