My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
