Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
