kristin has been a bad kristin
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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