there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
