Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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