well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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