Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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