I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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