definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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