I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
