You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
