her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
