The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
