walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
