Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
