Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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