it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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