why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
