for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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