The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
