Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the condom got lost in my hair
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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