if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
