how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
