i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
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shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
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You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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