I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
