my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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