I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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