I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
