Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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