I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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