i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
