the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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