My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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