You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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