I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
