There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
