I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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