if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Who put my cat in the fridge?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
